drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
You found me in the back room alone eating someone else's whole birthday cake with my hands then asked me if you could join.
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
I need to sanitize my soul.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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