my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Try to make ecstasy cheese. Capitalize on the molly and greek yogurt trends. MARKETING
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
Randomize
