So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
