I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
it glows. i had to have it.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I woke up at 4am on the floor covered in olive oil and fire extinguisher powder but all I wanted to know was where the rest of my booze was at.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Help. Why am I so naked?
Randomize
