I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
how does spending your day off taking me to the hospital sound?
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I woke up naked with a Jason mask on and a fat lip. What happened last night?
Randomize
