Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
