May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
Apparently he ran around last night saying he was 'the hulk hogan of muff diving'
These welts and bruises from letting gay boys whip my thighs last night are a clear indication i should lay off the tequila.
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
The hump and dump is a beautiful thing
Randomize
