If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.
That is beautiful
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
