I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
The car smells like weed is an understatement.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Randomize
