I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
There is a direct correlation between gooch size and male fertility. Science.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
If the ex isent in town and im crying under a table somewhere because of it can we go to a drag show or something
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Randomize
