I accidentally had phone sex last night
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
The sad part is I didn't even want to get laid. I just wanted the emotional connection, but my vagina was screaming "TOUCH ME. TOUCH ME RIGHT NOW BECAUSE MY DADDY ISSUES ARE MUCH DEEPER THAN MY EMOTIONAL NEEDS!" Vodka has a way of getting me out of my emotions and gets me fucked every time.
I accidentally gave my prayer card to the bouncer. Clearly a cry for help #saveme
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
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