Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
Let me know. Show me one boob if yes. 2 if no
Come over so I can fuck you louder than her country music
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Hammered...8am...why is there chickens in the living room?
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