Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I forgot to tell you thank you for putting me out when I was on fire. im sure I'll laught about this someday...
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
