it's gonna be a chat room kind of night
I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
At least I will not still be rolling when I pick up this animal. Thats a good development in five years
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
