i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
I just realised I've never been sober in my apartment
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
My girl came home. i was jacking off on the couch and she just starts telling me about her day, as if im not half naked with my hand on my cock.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I'm dying of laughter, but I'm also just dying
Send help
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
Randomize
