we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."�
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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