i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Prob because you've thrown up alot. As long as its not like pure blood you're fine. Drink water.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Randomize
