Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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