Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
The drug dealer had chickens in his house so I know it was good stuff.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Anal on new furniture sounds like a quickest way to violate a warranty
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
