we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
theres gunna be a new season of 16 and pregnant on mtv...WHERE DO THEY KEEP FINDING THESE IGNORANT PREGNANT GIRLS
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Does it count if I'm only ambidextrous while masturbating?
he just kept repeating "those were some pretty nipple-y tits" over and over the rest of the night
It's a noodle incident. All I can say is that it was completely accidental, no one was too seriously injured, and I'm not allowed back to that bar without a designated pusher for my wheelchair.
10/10 dentists agree that he is one bangable mother fucker. hint: i am all of these dentists.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
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