Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
On the other hand, this could be a new level of shame for me.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
Randomize
