And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
