Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Sooo does anyone wanna tell me why I threw up a cigarette this morning?
OMG YOU DID TO?!
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
