ya dads aren't the best wingmen
dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Today at work while talking to my co-worker we both realized at the same time that last year I had a one night stand with his roommate and he was in the living room drinking coffee when I did the walk of shame. YAY.
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Randomize
