I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
My mom just asked if I've gotten any girls pregnant how is your day going
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
