dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
my roommate had a few special brownies and wrapped my purse and one of my shoes and left them under the tree for me...
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
reminiscing on last night: why the fuck did I feel the need to stand on chairs everytime we took a jello shot?
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize
