No awkward lesbian experiences without me
I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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