Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
we didn't even throw knives this time! it was just the carrot peeler
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
