Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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