My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
I think we need to stage an Intervention. Her Instagram is a call for help.
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
I just my had my first cup of coffee in a week. I think I might orgasm.
Randomize
