i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Then pass out next to me, I'll be under a pong table or a park bench. Really depends on the weather during Mifflin
can we just pause for one second and address the fact that balls were out last night
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Sitting naked, eating lucky charms with rain boots on
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
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