what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
It's a gay bachelor party, it's not like dignity is to be expected
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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