Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
a search helicopter?!
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
at least its a cool name to shout when he's balls deep in you later
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
Randomize
