Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
quit re-tweeting John McCain's tweets
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
I was thinking about getting her an edible arrangement for an engagement gift. You want in?
I'm buying her a drink and not telling her to dump his ass. that's my gift.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
