This dress was meant to end up on your floor
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
wait did i hook up with someone in mcdonalds last night?
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
I want to fling myself into the sun
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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