I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i guess it's bad bediquette to quote the kool aid man
?
he said oh yeah and i responded with OHH YEAHHHHH!
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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