Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Tell her she can't have a vagina
party was madd awkward.. it was like every person who i sat next to in high school and never said hi to was there
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
Currently playing beer pong versus the girl i lost my virginity to.....and her mom
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
Randomize
