Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
i want to cheat with him just to show his girlfriend what a terrible person he is.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
i just came to a realization. Besides probably food, in my lifetime i think i have spent more money on legal fees than anything else
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Eventually I will start sleeping with people who actually want to hangout with me the next day... But not today
Randomize
