BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
Karaoke makes my soul die one wretched song at a time
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
If the egyptians can build pryamids men can walk on the moon and ron jeremy can sleep with all those bitches then we can finish these three handles of vodka
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
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