Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
If I'm gonna have a rotation of guys, I really should stop them leaving boob bruises...
Randomize
