How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
dont worry your back hair reminds me of angel wings
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
You declared that afternoon sex will be referred to as "wet naps" from now on
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
