If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
He told me he was 'pondering the natural wonder that is my ass'
Like, dude. I'm already fucking you, you don't need to wax poetic.
Isn't he wasted enough that he might actually mean it and not just be trying to get you to fuck him without a condom?
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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