I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong
I'm having horrible flashbacks of being groped by Pauly Shore.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
I want this pizza in and around my mouth forever..
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
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