I reminded them that I didn't puke and I cleaned yours up! So huh!
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
i think i traded my wallet for a tim hortons gift card.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
He literally knows my vagina better then I do.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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