I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
There has to be a way to make college graduation in Las Vegas different than any other Tuesday in Las Vegas. Strippers? Been there. Getting arrested for public indecency on the strip? Done that.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Ok, as his sister I didn't tell you this but he's very familiar with pregnancy symptoms. So next time he calls you fat freak him the hell out by asking if your ankles look swollen.
Randomize
