you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
i had choclate birthday cake for breakfast and am currently flossing my teeth w a condom wrapper. at work. hot mess for 200 alex
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
How was my night? He had a picture of his mom on his night stand and he yelled "Papi like" when he came. Fuck tequila.
If the smell of things stopped me from putting things in my mouth. I wouldn't be popular with Grindr guys.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
So I figured it out. There's two types of shitters. Moaners and grunters. And on occasion there's a third. It's the ill fabled grunt moaner.
Randomize
