so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
