Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
I stood on the corner waiting to be picked up, dry heaving, and trying to block out the sun.
It was a shot marathon. It only ended because we werent drinking in our house apparently we walked into the nieghbors. When they got home thy were soooooo pissed.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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