I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
woke up to moans and hushed"we can't do this with him in here." hope they had a good time
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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