I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
Randomize
